November 19, 2007...9:11 pm
Why People Have Affairs
There are far more viewpoints on infidelity than I care to mention. Yet, although it is considered the worst crime to commit against any person or relationship in our society, we are still fascinated by it. You could call it a morbid curiousity.
Am I the only one who is tired of seeing television dramas featuring married men and women having affairs all the time? Perhaps I am just a boring old fuddy-duddy long before my bones creak with age? Am I the only one rolling my eyes whenever I open up the covers of a magazine to find multiple choice quizzes with the title looming above: Is He Cheating On You?
Okay, okay, I’ll admit that I steal my sister’s Cosmopolitan from time to time. The only reason I do this is to see what kind of advice is written for girls these days, you understand? It is all in the name of research. Honest! 
Seriously. Despite the amount of attention lavished on such a topic, I find very few articles and resources that try to understand why people have affairs. What is it that drives people from the arms of those they profess to love and into the arms of a stranger, or a mutual friend? Perhaps these topics are the real questions that should grace the multiple choice quizzes featured in girly magazines?
That said, I have come across an video featuring Connie Podesta, where she attempts to explain why people have affairs. I wonder how many of you will agree with her conclusions? What are the implications if we are to accept her reasons as truth?
18 Comments
November 20, 2007 at 3:30 pm
She’s right when she says people have affairs because of how they feel about themselves. The obvious corollary is that the affair fixes nothing. At least that’s the observation from my perspective. Four years hence, instead of one sad person, we’ve got four in our family, because one of us chose an avenue toward happiness that pulled everyone else’s life apart.
Her comments on the definition of character are interesting, but … then what? Does she go on to cheerlead some more?
I think we all know how we ought to behave, but not everyone has the tools or the wherewithal to make it happen. I know that I fail every day.
It’s part of the popular zeitgeist to preach personal responsibility; master of your domain, captain of your ship, blah blah. I’m about 85% Pollyanna myself, very big on being cheerful to others, etc. But at the end of the day, sometimes other people just suck and it’s not going to be possible to be strong and happy and full of character all the time. I don’t even know that that’s a good thing. My mother never once let on that she was anything but strong and capable and impervious to anger and disappointment. The end result? I never learned to handle my emotions, and I struggle with feeling that I’m a bad mother when I break down in front of my kids.
Ugh. What was the question again? Sorry, Emm. Paging Dr. Freud ….
November 22, 2007 at 8:57 am
The first part about cheating because of how we feel is probably more relevant to women than men. Granted, this is a cliche/stereotype but I still think it has some truth: Men don’t always have sex to fulfill emotional needs; Sometimes it’s just sex. Same goes for modern practical-minded women nowadays but I find these are still more rare than men.
The second part is much more relevant and very true (about our behaviour when things are bad). But I find it revealing that she doesn’t discuss ideals, beliefs, morals (or maybe she does but it’s not in this video). Imagine giving this speech in France - it’s laughable. She starts with the assumption that everyone has firm beliefs on monogamy being correct no matter what the circumstances. Even in America I doubt that people believe they have to remain faithful when their spouses are horrible.
So if I were in her shoes I would discuss ideals and relative morality…then I would find out I was wasting my time with most people.
The fact is, most women I know that cheat, justifies it by blaming her horrible/boring marriage/spouse and her needs. By justifying, I mean that she doesn’t think it’s wrong considering her circumstances. You can also see this in action in movies where the female lead cheats on her horrible boyfriend/husband and the audience supports her.
Most men that cheat just want to have (more/different/exciting) sex even if their marriage is going relatively OK. As long as the wife doesn’t find out and everyone is happy, why is it wrong? I don’t hear men complaining about their wife when they go have sex with a whore. When a wife cheats however, she usually complains for hours about her husband/marriage.
I.e. it’s primarily a matter of social moral standards and ideals or even religious beliefs. There’s much more to discuss here but that’s my two cents for now.
November 23, 2007 at 6:49 pm
@Baron So what about the men who don’t cheat on their wives with a whore? There are men who cheat by having a long-term relationship behind his wife’s back.
Do these men never have complaints about their wives? Are these men 100% happy with their marriage and are just looking for sex? Even so, it could be argued that there clearly IS an issue with marriage if the man isn’t getting his sexual needs met and is looking elsewhere?
@Zog - I struggle with this idea of giving off this aura of strength and happiness all the time etc as well. I don’t think pretending all is well to others, when you feel awful inside does anyone any good all the time. Although there are times when doing so is the best course of action.
I tend to be upfront about how I feel and remind myself that it will pass. I tell my boyfriend whenever I feel in a bad mood, just so he is aware that my patience is low and to stay away for a bit while I try to lift myself from the low mood.
That said, even when I feel in a terrible mood, I am still 100% responsible for my behaviour. Still muddling through this idea myself
November 24, 2007 at 9:53 am
I used the words ’sometimes’ and ‘most’. In other words, I think men and women have several reasons why they would cheat, but with men I find that it’s often simply about sex.
Listen to the video: She said that cheating is mostly due to people not being happy with themselves or about emotional needs not being met, and not about sex. I disagreed, and arguing that a man cheats because he isn’t getting his sexual needs met only backs up my argument.
A man who cheats by having a long-term relationship may have several reasons besides emotional needs or not feeling good about himself: More sex, variety, boredom, younger woman (i.e. makes him feel younger). In fact, these men often have no problem saying they love their wife more despite their long affair.
But my main point is that you first have to tackle the issue of why and when cheating is wrong because many cheaters don’t think it is.
Monogamy is an artifical social construct that stands in opposition with our natural physical drives and needs. If one is stronger than the other then it will win and their owner will justify it.
MSNBC.com conducted a survey on ~70000 people (http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/17951664/), Here are some quotes:
“When is cheating justifiable? More than 70 percent of people say it’s never OK to cheat for any reason. Still, 26 percent of men and 9 percent of women say it’s justified if the other partner has lost interest in sex.”
“How did cheating make you feel? Almost half of cheaters felt guilty about it, although only 37 percent say they regretted it. An affair made more than half of women feel more sexually desirable and more attractive, a bit more so than men. Thirteen percent were glad they cheated. Women were slightly more likely to feel the affair was justified (23 percent compared to 18 percent), but they were also sadder about it afterwards (30 percent compared to 21 percent).”
And this is in America. Imagine what would happen in France. Here’s more:
“Why did you seek sex outside your relationship? Among men’s top reasons: 44 percent wanted sex more often, 40 percent wanted more sexual variety. Women’s top reasons: 40 percent desired more emotional attention; 33 percent wanted reassurance of their desirability. Physical attraction was a strong pull for about 42 percent of men and women. Revenge was more of a motivation for women, with 11 percent of them naming it as a reason they cheated, compared to only 5 percent of men.”
And if that doesn’t point out the differences I mentioned between men and women cheating, here’s a thought-provoking one for you:
“Women say they would be more upset if their partner fell in love with someone else than if their partner had sex with that person (65 percent, compared to 47 percent of men), but men say they’d be more distressed by their partner having a sexual affair than falling in love (53 percent, compared to 35 percent of women).”
November 26, 2007 at 6:03 am
“I tend to be upfront about how I feel and remind myself that it will pass. I tell my boyfriend whenever I feel in a bad mood, just so he is aware that my patience is low and to stay away for a bit while I try to lift myself from the low mood. ”
That’s because you have trust in your relationship. When the ability to trust leaves the marriage, honesty follows.
For the record, stating unequivocally that monogamy is an artificial social construct is not scientifically correct. If one chooses to bolster a point by comparing humans with animals, there are multiple instances in nature in which pairs mate for life. It’s a peculiarity of 2oth and 21st century moral relativism to massage the scientific model to justify extramarital relationships which ultimately bring misery and guilt in some measure to both parties.
Besides, aren’t all social constructs artificial? If they were organic, they wouldn’t need to be constructed in the first place.
November 26, 2007 at 7:32 pm
What I love about you, Zogmama, is that you quickly get to the heart of the matter and often you manage to clearly see the very issue I was wrestling with in my mind.
I haven’t been able to comment on this for several days because I was slightly stumped when Baron stated that monogamy was an artificial social construct. I agree with Zogmama’s comment since there isn’t much evidence to think such a social concept as artificially created by human beings if it does indeed exist in the natural world.
What I think a lot of people fail to see with affairs is that concept of Trust. When you enter a serious relationship with another man or woman or when you agree to marry, the agreement is to remain monogamous implicitly (if not married) and explicitly (i.e it is stated in the wedding vows). What is broken when someone cheats on their life partner is an agreement, and what is destroyed as a result of this is Trust.
Of course this agreement has many different levels to it. If one partner does not treat his/her spouse well, he/she is breaking one of the agreements made in the wedding vows too. Both actions erode trust in the relationship. Without trust, there can be no relationship that is beneficial to both.
In a way, sex is a side issue. As Baron said, it can often be the sole reason (or justification) for straying, I don’t think it is any less dishonest than a person straying because they are not having their emotional needs met, though. I am not sure if this is something Baron is implying, however.
November 27, 2007 at 10:55 am
I tend to agree with Baron that monogamy is an artificial construct. I base this on the fact that it is possible to be attracted to more than one person at a time and impossible not to be attracted to multiple people over the life-span.
Your comments have got me thinking about the show ‘Big Love’ about mormon polygamy. I about half an episode once and it didn’t interest me, but a friend of mine absolutely loves it. I asked her what she thought was so good about that kind of set-up for a woman. She had some interesting points.
1. You get your own house and are financially supported.
2. You always have a support network around to help out with babysitting etc.
3. You are married but you get your own SPACE, ie, you don’t have to deal with your partner every single day.
It’s almost like being both married, yet not married. So, I really think point 3 is quite a good one, considering that if we are to be perfectly honest, women do get annoyed with men being “under their feet” all the time.
In saying that though, I couldn’t do it, the competitive bitchiness would put me in an early grave. I’d love the space though. Sorry to go off track, as I’m so often guilty of.
November 27, 2007 at 11:03 am
I should perhaps also add that I do have my biases. I don’t believe it’s possible for a man to remain sexually faithful to one woman. If it does happen, I’d put the range of men who can exercise life-long fidelity at around 5%. Porn should be evidence enough of this. Sorry, not a very great thought, just my opinion.
November 27, 2007 at 7:32 pm
I don’t see any system be that “polygamy” or “monogamy” an artificial construct. If anything both types come about as a means of survival and there are certainly pros and cons to both.
There are examples in other mammals of both types of behaviour, we have mammals who have many sexual partners and other mammals who mate for life. I think human beings are capable of both means of surviving together. After all so-called ‘constructs’ are methods of bring together a group for the benefit of mutual survival, protection and continuation of the species. What is there to say that either method is morally right or wrong, they are simply ways in which human beings choose to survive.
I would be a bit concerned if my boyfriend suggested that he didn’t ‘fancy’ other women as I would be a bit alarmed if he demanded or expected me not to be attracted to other men. I find being attracted to other people a healthy thing, a perfectly natural aspect of being a sexual being.
However, there is a difference between being attracted to another human being and jumping into bed with them. There is a difference between finding other people attractive and having a long-term relationship with them. That difference comes down to choice, and an understanding of the consequences of that decision.
November 27, 2007 at 7:43 pm
“I should perhaps also add that I do have my biases. I don’t believe it’s possible for a man to remain sexually faithful to one woman. If it does happen, I’d put the range of men who can exercise life-long fidelity at around 5%. Porn should be evidence enough of this. Sorry, not a very great thought, just my opinion.”
Yeah, that’s definatly biased all right. And it’s another example of what I face when trying to find meaning in being a man.
It’s one thing for the dark side of male culture to dominate. But it’s also equally repulsive that there are attitudes against men and their character just because they are men. I find these two things detestable.
The implication that men can’t remain sexually faithful to one woman just rubs me the wrong way. Some men are not sex fiends just as some women aren’t sluts. Yet just because men cheat, it automatically means every man is just someone looking for sex in a relationship and nothing more. I wonder why people these days don’t find this insulting on the same level as calling a woman who sleeps with men a whore.
And the porn debate, I’d rather not get into. It’s a dead end, with no satisfaction from either sides. Polarizing. I will say, in my opinion, that linking porn as a major cause of unfaithful relationships is a fallacy on par with linking videogames to violence.
November 27, 2007 at 9:32 pm
I have to agree with Sam on this issue, Female.
Not all men are sex fiends (as Sam put it), not all men are cheats either. It should also be pointed out that a lot of infidelity is committed by women in equal numbers to men. So the assumption that the infidelity of men outweighs that of women is blindly ignoring the other half of the equation.
Porn is just porn. Men looking at pictures of unclothed ladies is not exactly the same as having sex or a long-term affair whilst in a relationship. Just because a man finds a woman attractive it does not mean he will always want to have sex with her, he may just enjoy looking.
November 27, 2007 at 11:44 pm
I also disagree that men cheat just for the sex and women cheat just for the emotional attention. Those are just the WAYS that the majority of men and women cheat; what isn’t touched is the WHY. I’m not one of those who thinks that it’s all about the physical with men or the emotional with women and that’s why they cheat. For someone to cheat implies that there was a stable, happy, faithful relationship before the cheating. For cheating to take place, there must have been a change of some sort in that relationship. One or both parties must have experienced something that altered their perception of the relationship. And I don’t think it was just that someone better came along; involvement with another person is the result of the change, not the cause for it.
Pornography is there and always has been - for both men and women. For men, it’s usually external: they look at pictures. For women, it’s usually internal: they read stories. So what? Again, though, porn usage doesn’t cause an affair. Porn is certainly not a bad thing, but a change in porn usage by someone is simply another sign that something has gone badly awry in a relationship.
So, back to the original question: why cheat? There are probably as many answers to that as there are cheaters … or at least as many as there are relationships. Is it bad behavior? Yes because it violates trust. But so do lying and stealing. And all of them will probably continue until we as a species evolve out of our bad behaviors. (Or, to give equal time, the all-powerful-invisible-omnipotence-beyond-the-sky decides to remake our world and changes us.)
November 28, 2007 at 4:59 am
re artificial constructs of polygamy or monogamy, they are artificial because we are not biologically able to be imprinted with an attraction to one person and one person only for the duration of our lives. If we were able to be imprinted, we’d all want to be partners with our first primary caregiver. Hello Dr Freud.
Em, you seem to be saying that these constructs aren’t artificial but you then go on to say that constructs are exactly that. And I agree that they are socially created, not biologically determined.
I understand Sam’s perspective and anger with my opinion. It was not my intention to express a moral judgement or negative connotation with my bias. I don’t think men are ’scum’ for finding fidelity to be difficult, I just accept that they do find it difficult to remain faithful. This means that those who are capable of being so, are so much more worthy. So to be clear, it is only once a man cheats that I then tar and feather him as morally defunct. As Em? said, cheating is a choice and it’s a test of character.
I also understand that my perspective is biased and others may not accord with it, which is why I stated it as a bias(ed opinion) rather than what I believe is an absolute truth that everyone else should just agree with.
re pron. My meaning wasn’t that I believe pron leads to cheating. What I was trying to say is that I believe men’s need for pron demonstrates that monogamy is completely socially constructed.
re why people cheat. Personally I think it differs dependent on the individual. People get bored with just one person over time. It happens. Please, don’t anyone deny it. Some people might want more vitality and excitement, while others may be in relationships devoid of emotional rapport and what they are really seeking is a new relationship.
November 28, 2007 at 11:42 am
Emmah you contradicted yourself. You said monogamy is not a social construct then said that it is an implicit/explicit agreement. If you have to agree on it first then how is that not a construct? Same goes for choosing not to follow your urges and sleep with another woman due to monogamy being the accepted moral standard. This is the exact definition of a social construct.
As Female said, it should be obvious that it’s a construct for the simple reason that over the course of a 50 year marriage, we are all going to feel attracted to other people and get urges. It’s our ideals/religion/upbringing that hold us back.
Using two species of birds as an argument for monogamy being natural doesn’t do anything for me because I’m talking about humans and their natural inclinations.
The important thing to realize is that there may be deeper (spiritual if you will) urges in us that tend towards monogamy and the question is which one of these urges is stronger and in control. Also there is obviously psychological/social/environmental conditioning and upbringing.
Polygamy/polyandry is just another construct/agreement that some people or cultures find preferable to monogamy.
The fact that polygamy can also be beneficial for survival and that some people therefore choose it over monogamy only proves my point.
November 28, 2007 at 11:43 am
Straying for sex vs. straying for emotional needs: It’s not necessarily more or less dishonest but there are some things to think about:
How is your affair affecting your intimacy/relationship with your spouse? If you go to your affair to get intimacy and emotional attachment, then isn’t that going to harm your marriage much more deeply than it would if you were just looking for a quickie with a stranger? I’m not saying there are any gray areas here, but if it’s a matter of relationships and intimacy, then some affairs are obviously worse than others.
I think more men than women cheat but only slightly (see the survey results), and chances are that women will admit to it less because they also justify it more. But I also think that men have slightly more ‘meaningless’ affairs than women.
November 28, 2007 at 7:11 pm
Yes, it was a contradiction. I have to admit I wasn’t entirely clear on what you meant by it. I should have asked before going on a tangent.
I have knee-jerk reactions to the term “articifical construct” because it makes the concept sound somehow redundant and against our nature. When I look at it, I don’t see it with the same connotations.
If something grew out of our nature which I think is the ability to adapt ourselves out of need to survive and continue the species, perhaps it is not redundant or artificial. Perhaps it is not entirely imprinted on our baser instincts but there must be something there in our natures that enabled us to develop such a construct in the first place?
I just question this assumption that social construct is that far removed from our nature. Do we have to put x in one box and y in another?
Any one else fancy mental gymnastics? Altogether now. Beeeeennnnd! Stretch! *crack*
I guess it has finally happened, guys, Emmah has gone stark raving bonkers!
December 3, 2007 at 4:05 pm
“I don’t believe it’s possible for a man to remain sexually faithful to one woman.” My experience would suggest the opposite, and frighteningly so. Not only my experience, but scientific research shows that, on a biological and instinctual level, men tend to remain loyal to one partner while females in most species - most especially humans - prefer to move from partner to partner as a “survival of the fittest” mechanism in reproduction.
That said, I firmly believe that many of us - male and female - have evolved to the point where we can transcend those animal instincts and live in accordance with higher level thinking and principles; most importantly the principles of honesty and trust, and forgiveness, that allow us to live in sexually faithful relationships.
I emphasize that I said many of us, not all of us. I hope that one day all of humanity will get to this stage, but don’t see it happening while we live under the control of corporations who capitalize on those animal instincts.
February 7, 2008 at 10:16 pm
It could be as mundane as the appeal of novelty. The problem is that non-monogamy is looked down upon by many, and those who stray find it easier to have an affair than to explain that they may not be wired for monogamy.
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