June 16, 2007...6:39 pm
Six signs that he is going to dump you
I am a well-known relationship expert, a profession that automatically grants me the uncanny ability to read the minds of all males and relate this vital information to my fellow women everywhere. As I am such an expert in this area, I can say this: it is just so obvious when a guy is about to dump your gorgeousness to the kerb.
In fact, these signs are so obvious that writing this article is no better than stating the obvious. Honestly, ladies there is no way you could have worked this out without me having to tell you!
Warning Sign #1
He brings another woman along to your date
Okay. So you spent hours in the bathroom to make yourself look f-f-f-f-fabulous. You’ve shaved your legs, underarms, and face and even picked the grunge out from under your toenails. You are wearing that bra that lifts your boobs up so high they are in danger of suffocating you plus those massive underpants that squishes all your wobbly bits into one place underneath your black dressy little number. It is clear that no man will have trouble resisting your charms by the time you are sat waiting in the fancy restaurant.
However, when you sit in that expensive Italian restaurant for hours wondering what happened to your date (especially having already consumed two champagne bottles in your nervousness) you begin to worry that he has forgotten about you. It is at this point you should start being concerned that he is about to dump you.
However, if you get up from the table only to discover your man sat on a different table with a bubbly, gorgeous blonde – you shouldn’t make assumptions. It is probably his mother.
Warning Sign #2
He stops calling you.
So it has been 24 hours since he last called you? That is bad news. It doesn’t matter that he could be busy, on holiday or just lost your phone number. If a man doesn’t think about you every moment of every day he just isn’t good enough for you.
It isn’t normal for a man to play it cool. Remember that he is eager to get you into bed as that is all men ever think about. More than likely he is drooling over the next fantastic opportunity he will get to speak to you. Men that truly love you should be calling you once every few hours a day. He is supposed to adore you and worship you like the goddess you are!
If he isn’t, perhaps he is a closet homosexual or has “issues” in the bedroom department, poor love.
Warning Sign #3
He’s blocked your email/MSN messenger or Yahoo or …whatever.
We all know that men cannot be considered communication gurus. They don’t speak as often (or indeed, in the manner) that women want them to, so naturally they cannot be considered good communicators at the best of times. However, when a man blocks a communication line off completely it may in all probable possibility could mean that he might just dump you.
Try calling up his mother to find out if there is something upsetting him at home. If you get no answer, chances are he is taking her out to dinner again.
Warning Sign #4
He’s cranky and irritable
If you hooked up with a silent and moody type, you can ignore this warning sign.
For all other types of boyfriends, if what I am about to say rings a bell of truth for you, expect the fated day of dumping to arrive soon. If he is cranky and irritable with you because you kept bitching about your girlfriends orange-coloured fake-tan or her ugly boyfriend after he discovered the news that his uncle died, it probably means he maybe, might be, possibly could-very-well be dumping you. Stay alert!
Warning Sign #5
He ignores you
You are walking down the road and your boyfriend chooses to cross to the other side, so you follow him only to have him walk faster ahead of you. If when you do catch up with him and start screaming at him to notice your politeness and he just blanks you completely, chances are he is going to dump you.
Warning Sign # 6
He’s left the country
Of all the signs, this is the most serious. If he has left the country, it is obvious he is a classic man that is afraid of commitment and will therefore dump you. He is obviously not good enough for you, though. So just hold your head up high and hope that the next man doesn’t scare so easily.
Conclusion
There you have it. Six startlingly obvious signs that I didn’t need to write an article about. Besides, where would you ladies be without amazing relationship experts giving you the advice you need to guide you through the pitfalls of love and romance?
Please also watch the following video to get information on how to get amazinglly beautiful defined huge lashes that can be used as wind apparatus on movie sets, please watch engendertruth’s sponsor…
Net-based writer Embar has been a relationship expert for 3 weeks and has divorced 34 times. Embar has contributed to Engendertruth.com since last year. Engendertruth.com is sponsored by L’Unreal Beauty Products.
32 Comments
June 22, 2007 at 11:32 pm
I was taking notes as fast as I could ~ thanks, Embar!
June 23, 2007 at 12:06 am
LMAO! Of course, all this advice is deadly serious and is not in any way a joke
June 25, 2007 at 2:31 pm
Do a post on Diaz, all the kids are doin’ it!
June 25, 2007 at 7:03 pm
Nope. I am sure there is enough material on the web about her recent mishap, there is no need for me to add to the pile
June 26, 2007 at 12:53 am
“especially having already consumed two champagne bottles in your nervousness”
I like the inversion! Were they full or empty bottles? And how does she deal with the glass?
It’s perhaps a sign of my general cluelessness concerning women’s beauty products that only the laughtrack and the woman’s very strange voice cued me in that that was a parody of a cosmetics ad. Well, that and the seven-foot-long eyebrow comb.
-wolfe
June 26, 2007 at 1:22 am
I’m not sure if they show that ad in the US… but it does make me laugh to see a spoof of those adverts because they annoy me for so many reasons.
June 26, 2007 at 1:24 am
Besides, don’t you eat the glass of champagne bottles where you come from?
Tsk tsk. It’s called recycling!
June 26, 2007 at 2:06 am
@Luka - I honestly think it’s good writing, albeit subconscious. Seriously. I loved it.
I wouldn’t have a clue what cosmetics ads they show in the US. Honestly. Heck, I wouldn’t have a clue what ads they show. An ex-girlfriend recently discovered my TV tuner was broken… it had been about six to eight months since I’d last tried to watch TV.
I don’t say that as any prideful announcement; I watch all kinds of crap on Youtube, and DVD’s and legally downloaded stuff galore. I just don’t watch live TV at home. (And home is Canada, not the US for some of the summer).
-wolfe
June 26, 2007 at 4:11 pm
I’m glad. Thank you wolfe.
I am not a huge TV watcher myself. Although most commercials for cosmetics tends to be the same. They are rarely original.
You have to appreciate that my sense of humour has many levels and most of the time I operate on a very wry, sense-of-the-ridiculous, monty-python-esque kind of humour… and that video just appeals to me.
I also find strange videos on albinoblacksheep.com so hilariously funny that they make me laugh till tears roll down my cheeks. I showed them to friends and family and they rolled their eyes.
I have met only a few people who actually grok my strange sense of humour. Most of the time it seems I find things funny in life that others don’t. I like being strange.
June 26, 2007 at 9:16 pm
Hilarious! I love the “left the country” one. Your sarcasm is just darling.
Although, I’ve never experienced these signs, since I’ve never been dumped.
I have always loved what I once heard Rita Rudner say: “If a man doesn’t call you, it’s not because he’s in a coma or he lost your number or he’s been in a car accident. It’s because he just didn’t want to call you.”
June 27, 2007 at 12:40 am
Thank you Teri, appreciated
Rita Rudner is right. Men are not that complicated. If wanted to call, he would have called. If he hasn’t called…well, perhaps he didn’t want to call you. Why? Who knows?! The fact is he hasn’t called. Full stop.
You can judge a man’s interest (or any person) by what they do and don’t do.
I really think women like to make excuses for men all too often in this scenario.
June 27, 2007 at 7:53 am
I just got to watch the video now, as I was at work earlier. Killed me! I ate a champagne bottle to celebrate the laughter!
Freak an alien out!
June 27, 2007 at 10:02 am
That’s because…I’m worth it…and you’re nooooooot!
June 27, 2007 at 12:37 pm
wow this was undoubtably the most retarded post ive ever seen. ever. i dont even see how someone would allow all six of these steps? oh and number 6 is pretty fuckin random if you ask me. anywho i dont need a relationship expert. im only 20 and i probably no more than you. check out the “why nice guys finish last post” i had a few things to say about that. might be of some interest.
June 27, 2007 at 12:49 pm
Clint. Your comment made me laugh!
Didn’t you see that the whole intent and purpose of my post was to suggest that we don’t need these so-called relationship experts? Could you not see that the whole tone of the post was tongue in cheek?
June 27, 2007 at 4:13 pm
This is terrific! I was just looking for another relationship expert so now I can put your name on my list. One can never have enough relationship advice, since we’re way too insecure and co-dependent to deal with other people without a support network numbering in the thousands. I’ll be printing out this post and putting it in the notebook with all my other relationship advice that I carry in my purse at all times. And for those times when I’m not carrying a purse, the notebook has a convenient chain so that I can wear it around my neck. (And yes, I do get complimented on my unique necklace when I wear it.)
And I love cruising albinoblacksheep.com!
June 27, 2007 at 5:25 pm
Here via Teri.
This was brilliant. They should pay you millions of dollars for your helpfulness here.
And I’m now wiping all the gobs and gobs of mascara off my face, do to hysterically laughing over this video…
June 27, 2007 at 5:26 pm
(uh, that’s DUE to hysterically laughing….)
Some people proofread BEFORE submitting… oops!
June 27, 2007 at 6:11 pm
Egad. Just popped in to say that those commercials that show growing eyelashes creep me out. Oh, and to let y’all know that Clint does not necessarily represent US education. I’m dubious that he does “no” more than you do, dear Embar.
My favorite aspect of the faux-mercial was her speech sounding as if she had her jaw wired shut. Or was having trouble masticating the champagne bottle.
June 27, 2007 at 6:29 pm
@Z Hahaha! Nobody no’s more than this ho’!
Thanks for the comments Jami and Brillig, great to know you enjoyed the wise words of Embar - the greatest relationship expert in the world.
June 27, 2007 at 6:43 pm
Wonder how Clint stumbled onto this post, where the women no less than he duz?
I wonder why he doesn’t have a shift key on his keyboard?
June 27, 2007 at 6:49 pm
@Teri LMAO!
@Jami - I re-read your post and you made me laugh! It is a good idea to keep a tab on all these damn relationship experts… you can never have too many of them!!
June 27, 2007 at 8:58 pm
I think she looked pretty in the video. Like a woman with two gigantic spiders stuck in her eyes. Now that is class.
I like your commentary on these especially when he brings another woman on your date. If he makes out with her on the date as well, is that also a bad sign? I’m so confused…..
June 27, 2007 at 8:58 pm
Oh, forgot, here via Teri, and I love your blog. I’ll be back.
June 27, 2007 at 9:16 pm
ok maybe i missed the sarcasm. but i think thats because i didnt read the introduction to the article.
June 27, 2007 at 10:29 pm
@emmasometimes… thank you
@clint … I did wonder if you missed the sarcasm. Never mind, it isn’t always easy to spot. Bear in mind that sometimes I don’t have my serious head on when posting articles
June 27, 2007 at 11:13 pm
haha alright ill make a mental note of that
June 27, 2007 at 11:16 pm
Cool. As long as you understand that… this madness all begins to make sense
Welcome to the blog Clint.
July 8, 2007 at 1:28 am
Hi Luka, I think you may be interested in this blogHERE. It is about relationships from a woman’s point of view. It is nothing like mabtw.com, so worry not. I just thought you may just dig it.
July 8, 2007 at 2:18 pm
Thank you for the link, Diamatik.
You are right, I really do digg this blogger because she seems to have the right idea and she writes well (in my opinion). What a great find!
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